Our Elf

We have the most boring elf ever. Occasionally he gets wild and hides in our freezer but that’s about the extent of the excitement. I mean really, who has the time to come up with all these elaborate shenanigans? To be honest, the only reason we even have an elf is because I found it in an old storage closet at work years ago and was told to take I could take it home. Little did I know how this tradition would stick with us for so many years.

This year the holiday crunch feels more intense; Christmas seems to be coming faster than it usually does. Every time the kids tell me it’s only so many days until Christmas I get a little panicked. I am more behind than usual and I’m not sure why. So getting creative with our elf is not something I planned to do after more than 10 years of having the most boring elf ever. Then one night I was scrolling through my phone and saw a post with all these cute elf ideas. I usually blow right by them but a few caught my eye because they were cute and simple. Less than 5 minutes of effort and the elf would no longer be boring.

So our elf has stepped up his game. Nothing too extreme and not every day, but he’s just a little more creative. Caleb’s theory is that Santa has given the elf a warning about his job being on the line and he needs to improve his performance. At first I was doing this for our 7 year old since he’s the only one who looks for our elf anyway. Surprisingly, now everyone is back in the game but especially our teenagers. I didn’t see that coming! Will this continue? It’s unlikely. But for now with a quick list of simple elf tricks we are having some fun.

Life Changes

Today is the official first day of fall. And just like the seasons change so does life. Today I walked out of my office where I’ve worked for more than ten years for the last time and it really got me thinking about some of the big changes we’ve had around here lately. Our offices are moving to a beautiful new state-of-the-art location and it’s really exciting. But as I was about to leave today I walked around our empty, dark, packed-up building at least 5 times taking in all the years of being in that space. I needed to really reflect on my time there. I grabbed a pillow on my way out; a pillow that I used to nurse one of our children when he was an infant and I would bring him to work with me. I’m excited about our new space but this move is a big change.

Another change this month is my last day at our YMCA is approaching. This may seem small but for me it’s a big deal. The Y is like a home away from home for me. I’ve been going there for years. I have friends there. Some of whom I don’t even know their names but I see them every day. One man (Alan, whose name I do know) is about 90 years old. He looks for me each morning and gets worried if I’m not there. He also brings me a piece of candy every day for after my workout. It’s so endearing. I am sure going to miss my people, friendly faces, and the sense of community there.

Our kids are full of change as is the nature of being young. Our sweet 10th grader used to hang around us all the time but he has now come into his own. He is very busy, very social, and is completely wrapped up with his friends and school activities. I want this for him. I’m happy for him. But I also miss him. I saw him for about 5 minutes yesterday. I texted him today requesting to see him more than 5 minutes this evening and he responded that he would aim for 6 minutes. He’s funny and still very sweet. Our 8th grade daughter is getting taller, smarter, more intuitive, and more confident each and every day. She amazes us all the time. Our youngest, the baby of them all, turned 7 just this week. SEVEN. Our baby is seven. He will probably be driving next week. It goes so fast.

The biggest change this fall is that our oldest is off to college. He’s been gone for over a month and although we miss him so much, he seems really happy. I was a mess all summer anticipating him leaving but I have to admit that I am handling this way better than expected. It’s hard and I miss him like crazy, but I feel like he is where he is meant to be. He has a true gift for math and I hope that this gift will eventually be discovered and lead to amazing opportunities ahead for him. I am counting the days until we see him again. I can’t wait for him to be home and for all of us to be together.

They say change is inevitable. That the only constant is change. That we should embrace change. Well for me it is hard, even good changes. We are so blessed and I know we will adjust and get used to all the small and big differences. I hope each of you that are in the midst of the changing seasons of life are able to find ways to transition smoothly. One change I’ve been talking about for a while is my car. I’ve been in a minivan forever. I think I’m finally ready to let that one go! Well…almost!

Girls Trip

I recently got back from a beach trip with the girls. Most people who were about to pack up and go to the beach for a long weekend with your best friends would be full of excitement. Was I excited? Yes. But along with that excitement came a lot of anxiety and uneasiness. In almost 18 years this was the longest I had been away from our kids. I realize that 4 days is not that long but for me this was a big deal. Being a mom has come first and foremost before anything else including myself. Would the kids be okay? Would I be okay? Would my husband be okay? What about our dogs? The verdict: Everyone did great and we were all better for it.

Let me say that these are not just any old girls. We’ve been friends since middle school and this is our tribe. Truthfully, knowing I would be with my girls eased the anxiety about leaving. We’ve been together through so many seasons of life. We’ve seen each other at our worst and at our best and everything in between. These women will be there for each other no matter what, no questions asked. We are so lucky to have each other and each time we get together we laugh harder than I thought was possible. It’s rejuvenating. I’m so proud of each one of my friends and all they have overcome, accomplished, and achieved. I’ve been struggling this summer with the stress and emotions of preparing for our oldest to leave for college and this trip was just what I needed.

This small getaway actually changed me in some ways. Maybe the better word is inspired. I can’t put my finger on it but I came back ready to loosen the reigns and make some changes. Small ones nonetheless but still…changes. I’m switching gyms after 10 plus years- that is actually a big one for me. I’m organizing my music into new playlists. I threw all reason and responsibility out the window and bought those concert tickets for my daughter and I; we will be road tripping to Washington D.C. this fall. And I got TikTok. Lol. I feel a little less structured and ready to do some of the things I normally would over-analyze and eventually never do. A trip with these girls came at the perfect time!

Graduation

It’s been almost one week since our oldest graduated. It was a wonderful week of celebrations with family and friends and quite frankly it was a really big deal. Lots of laughter and lots of tears. No one warned me about the senior year; perhaps they did actually but I missed the message. I’ve seen so many friends go through this momentous time but I really wasn’t prepared for all the emotions that come along with this final year of high school. How fast it goes. All the deadlines and last moments and ups and downs of figuring out what’s next. I really went into this year blind and hopefully since this is our oldest I will be better prepared in just 3 more short years when our next son will reach this milestone. The whole thing still seems surreal to me and I am already feeling our family dynamic changing. I’M NOT READY.

Our boy is smart and driven and adventurous and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We could not be more proud of him and all his accomplishments! But I am really struggling with the fact that in 7 short weeks we will drive him literally half way across the country where we know NOONE and leave him there. I’m less worried about how he will handle this big change…he has always been adaptable and involved and I think he will do great once he adjusts. And if not we will figure it out. I’m more worried about how the rest of us will adjust. I know I will be a walking mess for a while but I’m starting to see just how hard this is going to be for everyone else in our family. His sister got tears in her eyes just the other day when someone asked her about him going to college. Hopefully we will all eventually adjust and get super excited for visits and holidays and summer break.

I’ve already told my husband I will need a distraction this fall. A new project. Something to keep me busy and focused. Like most families during this past year we’ve had a lot of unexpected time together which I now see as a huge gift but slowly that is all starting to change. Parenting is hard. You do your best to raise your kids to be independent and successful which is really what we want most for our children but watching them fly the nest is something I’ve never thought about until now. And it’s hitting hard and fast.

I’m thankful our son has this amazing opportunity. I’m thankful he is brave enough to go after his dreams. I am thankful we were able to have a real graduation and celebrations and all the things. I’m thankful that deep down through all of this I’ve had faith that everything will work out like it’s supposed to. I’m thankful for friends who have been through this and will be there when we need it the most. They say the days are long but the years are short. That has never felt more true to me than it does today. As our youngest just finished his kindergarten year I am very aware that this is a snapshot in time, one that goes very quickly, and I will do my best to enjoy every single second of parenting each and every day!

Finding the Good

Somedays I’m falling apart. Some days I’m grateful and (somewhat) calm. Oh how I could go on and on about what’s been bad during this pandemic. I know we all can. This week has been especially tough watching our senior miss out on one important moment after another, missing his senior year of activities and homecoming and all the things and it absolutely breaks my heart. Some days I wonder if it’s harder on me or on him and I tell myself it’s harder on me just so I will feel a little better.

On the other end of the spectrum, a few days ago I was chatting with our youngest about what all he is learning in kindergarten this year and he shared with me that one of the most important things you learn is to stay 6 feet apart from everyone. Not letters or site words like I was expecting him to say… but social distancing. Another heartbreaking realization of how much this is truly affecting us all regardless of age. I know some have it so much worse, I do. It’s so hard to see the hardships so many people are facing and I know that I should not complain. But some days it’s hard to stay positive. It’s hard to find the good. And then there are those moments, those small moments that provide some much needed light in a very dark time.

Yesterday was a regular Monday. I had come home from work, my husband was working at home (where he’s been working for 8 months now), our oldest 3 were at home distance learning, and our youngest was home for the day from kindergarten. We were all together on an impromptu break in our kitchen laughing and talking and trying to help our oldest come up with his senior quote for the yearbook. There was really nothing to it but I stopped for a minute and realized here we all were, together at home, on a break in the middle of a Monday afternoon having some unplanned family time. It didn’t last long but it occurred to me that in normal circumstances this would not have happened.

The sun set later and the evening came. It was then that I found Brady and Gracie having a snack together and staring out the window at the Christmas lights. It was so simple and peaceful and I was able to take it all in. I found a lot of good in an otherwise mundane Monday and was grateful for it.

Today (Tuesday) has not come without it’s challenges. There have been emotions from all ages and angles and it’s been hard. But I will continue to try to remember to look for the small pieces of good every chance that I can. Sooner or later we will get through this and I hope that as hard as it can be at times, you find your own small moments of good along the way.

A Simple Change

Screens. Sleep. Schoolwork. Everyone is having their struggles in this difficult time and there are no easy answers. Thankfully our kids have managed to keep up their grades, but there is definitely room for improvement with the sleep schedules and staying active. It’s easy to let all of that go out the window and some days that’s exactly what I want to do but my husband and I are trying hard to figure out ways to keep us on track the best we can. In some ways we have failed but we have also found a few small things that are working.

In the spring when this all started we went on 100 hikes since it was pretty much the only thing we could do. We had fantastic weather and we live in a beautiful place but after a while when I mentioned a hike I would hear moans and groans: Another hike Mom? Are you serious??? Summer came and we swam almost daily and spent plenty of time outside, so grateful for our summer. Fall arrived and once again we’ve had wonderful weather. Lots of walks, time in the driveway and on the patio, and 2 kids playing soccer- it’s been great. It’s funny how this whole situation makes you appreciate everything SO MUCH MORE like a very simple soccer practice.

But now the weather is turning colder and we noticed last week that for several days in a row the kids were like slugs. Other than a few soccer practices here and there they were barely moving. By the end of the week my husband suggested we get them Fitbits. At first I was hesitant but after the 3rd day in a row of pushing them to move I was on board Enough is enough, it’s time to take action. Brady (age 6) is young and still moves more than all of us put together. But the three teenagers…that’s a different story. We need them to be aware of how few or how many steps they are taking each day.

We were a little nervous about their reactions to this new “present” we gave them. Much to our surprise they didn’t put up a fight, slapped them on their wrists, and that was that. We aren’t checking on them constantly but some days we know they need to have some accountability, especially when they haven’t even done half the steps of my dear mom who is 78 years old. Sometimes we report our steps at dinner and the person with the least gets the reward of walking the dogs, taking out the trash, watching Brady, doing extra chores, or whatever needs to be done that evening. Talk about motivation!

Today something amazing happened. They all went outside WITHOUT US TELLING THEM TO and played basketball and soccer together for over an hour. Having activity trackers has created some healthy and fun competition. Earlier today our oldest snuck out for a run so he would have an edge on his brother. This evening Caleb was watching Brady and instead of playing Minecraft with him (which is the easiest thing to do), they ran around playing a made-up game. Sometimes I’ll catch them out of the side of my eye doing laps around the house trying to get their steps up. There are certainly days where being lazy is fine and we are okay with that. But there has got to be balance. Not sure how long this will last but for now it’s working. We just need to make sure they don’t sneak and put their Fitbits on the cats or the dogs or their baby brother, who, by the way, wants one of his own. I’m sure he would beat us all!

Disney

Disney.   So much magic!  Over a week later and  I’m still on a high.  It truly was the trip of a lifetime.  I was hesitant about going and having a really hard time justifying the money we would spend on this trip.  With our oldest graduating next year and our youngest out of diapers and naps it seemed like the perfect time to go.  Still very much on the fence I met with a dear friend several times.  She encouraged me, pretty much planned our trip, and even left a bag full of Mickey wrapped presents for us the night before we left.  I will forever remember her making this happen for us because honestly without her we wouldn’t have done it.   I’ve never really understood the craziness about Mickey and Disney but after the week we had I totally get it.  I already want to go back.

First and foremost, with all the sickness and germs around this time of year I was so afraid of someone getting sick before we left.  I was literally holding my breath until we got on the plane but thankfully we all stayed healthy.  For that I was so grateful.  We were also blessed with amazing weather- sunny and 80’s all week.  Swimming outside in the middle of February really does feel incredible.  Our resort was fantastic; our 5 year old would have been content spending the days there.

Start to finish, I was surprised at how well we all got along.  So many great memories that I will hold dear making this trip worth every single penny.  One particular night that stands out was at Magic Kingdom.  We had packed in a full day and were all exhausted.  But the 3 teenagers and I went back that night for just a little more fun and lucked into the Pirates of the Caribbean ride with no wait.  We LOVED it!   Afterwards, in a sea of thousands of people (literally thousands…I googled it and an average of 56K people visit Magic Kingdom each day)  Gracie and I had a minute alone.  As were walking through the streets with white twinkle lights everywhere and the castle aglow behind us she grabbed my hand and said “Look around Mom.  I imagine this is what heaven must look like”.  I will never forget it.  It was a beautiful moment.

We had minor delays and got back home safely.  As we were rushing around for the first morning back to school and to work I told our oldest as he was leaving that I loved him and to have a great day.  He looked at me and said “Mom, after the week we just had there is only one way this week can go and it’s not up”.  I thought it was funny and true, it really doesn’t get much better!  We actually all had a good week back and survived our daily responsibilities.  For those of you who might be skeptical and are contemplating Disney…I understand.  BUT DO IT!  You will be so happy you did!

 

My Walks With Caleb

One of our long-time traditions in our family on New Year’s Eve is a homemade time capsule.  We each answer a set of simple questions and pack them away until the following year.  It’s always a surprise to pull out our answers from the year before.   We’ve been doing this for almost 10 years and it’s so fun to see the changes over time.  And while a lot has changed, for me one goal remains the same:  Live in the moment.  Appreciate the present.  Enjoy the here and the now.  This is my mission year after year. And every year, without fail, I often manage to miss some of the small moments while stressing and worrying about what’s to come.

But there is one thing I am certain of that I appreciate and treasure each and every time; my walks with Caleb.  Caleb is our middle child, almost 14, and probably one of the most easy going people I’ve ever known.  I admire him in so many ways and want to be more like him.  Almost always he comes home from school in a calm disposition with little to share about his day.  Our after dinner walks are my chance to listen and learn and spend time with him.  It’s a special bond that we started long ago and it has continued.

We don’t go every night, but at least 2-3 times a week we bundle up and head out into the darkness.  An added bonus is how excited our dogs get when they see us putting on our coats.   I love that Caleb is usually the one asking me to go and realize this could change at any time.  I love that he talks to me almost the entire time; I just listen and walk and even though I don’t always understand some of what he tells me, I take it all in.    I love that I’ve learned about things such as light pollution and Perlin noise and Derek Yu and Spelunky.  I love that he shares pieces of what is important to him, things I know will be something amazing one of these days.

When we filled out our time capsules this year for 2020, the last question we answered was “What do you love very much right now?”  I had a few answers to this question, one of them being my walks with Caleb.  If I’m lucky enough when we do our time capsule a year from now that will still be true.

The Talk

I talk about sex a lot.  That might sound funny but it’s true.  Reproduction.  Hormones.    Mood Swings.  It’s a big part of the job I’ve had now for over 15 years.  I love what I do and I get to visit different grade levels at so many schools.  Each class is different;  I always pause and take a deep breath before I enter a classroom because I never know what to expect.   What I do know is that the students are often nervous and not excited to see me.  My goal is to put them at ease, help them feel more comfortable learning about and discussing these sensitive topics, and have them thinking “wow that wasn’t so bad” at the end of our time together.  When I finish with a class I almost always feel like the mission is complete; I’ve done my job.  It’s easy for me to have these conversations in classrooms full of kids I barely know.  But at my own house?  Different story.

Sexual health is a normal part of growing up and a topic most parents want to avoid.  I totally get that.  I’ve always been upfront with our kids about what I do.  I want them to know there is no question that they can’t ask us.  When I first started doing this job our oldest son was not even 2 years old.  Time goes fast.  Last spring that day came…the one I always knew would get here sooner or later.  I was scheduled to speak in our (now 15 year old) son’s health class.  I will admit that I was really nervous.  I didn’t want to embarrass him in front of his friends.  I even offered to opt him out; after all we’ve had plenty of conversations at home, but he chose to stay.  There were some laughable moments but overall it wasn’t as awkward as I had thought and we both survived.

This last month I have spent most of my time with 6th grade girls discussing all the changes they are faced with at that age.  Meanwhile, at home our own daughter (and only girl) is in the peak of of these very changes both emotionally and physically.  Guess who did not want to talk to me at all?  Yep.  I would come home and kept thinking how can I have these talks with hundreds of girls day after day but my own daughter won’t talk to me?  But then one day out of the blue in her own time she finally decided to open up to me.  I learned that sometimes it can’t be forced. She knew I was there for her when she was ready and that just happened to be on the way to soccer one evening. Her timing, not mine.   Lots of attempts and patience are required.

Parents:  it’s a tough one and I don’t have all the answers.  But I do have a few suggestions:  First, make sure your kids know from an early age that the door is always open.  Tell them repeatedly that they can always come to you with their questions no matter how silly or sensitive they think it might be.  With enough reminders they might surprise you and start the talk on their own when you least expect it.  Next, know that it’s not a one and done type deal.  You are not going to cover everything in one single conversation.  But all those little talks add up and will give you both confidence to continue the communication openly.   Also, be sure to listen.  Really listen.  This is a big one and easier said than done.  Listening is a really hard skill and one I’m still working on.  You’re kids, regardless of age, probably know more than you realize and you will only find that out if you are really listening.  And last, if you’re child asks you what something is, even if it catches you off guard, before you answer find out what they know.  Have them tell you what they think it is.  And then assess where they are and give them age-appropriate answers.  There are a lot of resources available to help and I promise that you are not alone!  You will survive these talks and so will your kids!

 

 

 

 

The Simple Things

I never realized what an adjustment daylight savings time is until this year.  While I love having the extra daylight in the evenings, losing that one single hour has thrown us all off.  Our 4 year old doesn’t understand why we are eating dinner when it’s still sunny out.  The teenagers’ sleep habits are all out of whack and getting us going in the morning has not been easy.  My husband has been out of town for work, spring schedules and sports are in full force, and Tuesday evening I was just sure it was Thursday.  It had to be.  But it wasn’t.

But today (which IS actually Thursday thank you very much) I was able to catch my breath.  It was Brady/Mama day and I usually pack in as much as possible and make big plans for us.  Last night Brady wanted to talk about what we were going to do on our day.  I had already planned to keep it light.  Grammy and Papa from far away (Rhode Island) will be here tomorrow and I needed to get some cleaning done and catch up on some email.  But we would make time for some fun too.  The weather is finally a little warmer so we went on an adventure but not our usual kind; this adventure was with our own two feet.  We walked and collected rocks and sticks along the way and ended up at a nearby creek.  We sat on the bridge throwing rocks and watching the sticks race through the rapids.   It was just us and the sounds of birds chirping and the water rushing by.  We even found a secret hiding spot under the bridge to have our snack.   We stopped by a small playground and when we got back home it was bubbles and filling up our  birdfeeder for the first time this year.  It was perfect.  It was mindless.  It was simple.

The afternoon got a little hairy as everyone else arrived home but all is calm again (for now).  Swim lessons were taken off the schedule after Brady ran outside to see me barefoot while I was talking to someone and stubbed his toe.  Really stubbed his toe.   The pool seemed like a bad idea.

In the rushing of life, the running back and forth, and taking care of the hundreds of details in between, it was truly a fabulous day (aside from the toe).  It made me realize that regardless of age, we all need to take time for the simplicity of life.   Our walking adventure thrilled our 4 year old.  But I’m pretty sure if I insisted (forced or bribed if necessary) that our older kids do the same they would have enjoyed it almost as much.  Just this week I was working on an article about the the positive effects of being outside on our mental health.  Today reminded me there is a lot of truth in all the research I found.  As the days get longer and the temperatures get warmer I hope you can find time for your own kind of simple pleasures!